Heart to Heart...

These past few months have been a process...I can't describe it any other way right now because I am being refined in areas that hurt the most.  At the end of the day, the only thing I can say is: "All for His glory."  I find myself reflecting on life and its purpose daily, praying that I'm aligned with God's perfected will.

I always knew that this walk was not going to be easy, but there are some days I wonder if it's supposed to be this hard. At this point, I want to be more transparent.  I want to be the type of Christian who reveals their scars and wounds to help others...I think I am bolder now...bold enough to share my testimony with others who need to know that Romans 8:28 is a lifestyle and not just a quote from the Bible.

These recent days have been enough to break me.   I don't think people realize just how much we are going through, and I think that is because God's grace and mercy has us wrapped up.  There are nights when I have cried out and asked God "What's next?", nights when I have told Him that I can not possibly go through this without Him.  In all honesty, I think that I would have lost my mind and ended up in the psychiatric hospital here on the island.

I have learned that people will smile, laugh, and share with you until they feel or know that you have nothing to bring to the table...it doesn't matter how much you have done for them, in the end it's all about what you can do for them now.  I have severed friendships this season that left me in grief, and then with a heavy heart I have watched friends walk away.  I have experienced lack of empathy from people I thought I would be empathetic, and I have found that, for some people, money is EVERYTHING.  I have received phone calls, texts, emails, whatsapp messages etc. that were so distasteful, that at one point I had to threaten to reveal persons true characters through social media.

This whole process has taught me a few things, among them is the fact that you truly can not trust in man (Psalm 146:3-4) .  The Bible itself says that the hands of flesh will fail you . I place my hopes in God's hands, believing (and knowing) that He cherishes everything about me, and that His hands are the safest place for my sanity. And in doing so, I have a peace that REALLY surpasses understanding - which brings me to my next problem: People see you genuinely happy, and if they know your struggle (and in some instances, they know because they are the cause of your struggle) they get upset because it means that you have some source of happiness, and they feel that you shouldn't.

I had to explain to someone a few weeks back that I was unemployed, and although I am a 'creative' and had been using my abilities to assist others (photography, floral creations, jewelry making etc) it did not mean that I was making money...it simply meant that I was helping others get what they needed.  I walked away from projects without a dime but fulfilled, because at the end of the day, no amount of money could pay for the peace of mind of all involved.

I think what upsets me at times is the fact that some people don't take the time to get to know the real me (don't get me wrong, sometimes that is actually a good thing!) but I think it opens my eyes to the reality that some people could care less about getting to know who you really are - it's really about what they can get from you.

So anyway...long story short....through this process I find that I have lost or let go of people who I thought would have been here for the long haul - people who I had on my 'blessing list' ( my husband and I have a list of people we have come in contact with who we want to bless...to make it more meaningful we get to know them better and focus on their passions in life so that we can bless them specifically)...I was beginning to think that something was wrong with me - why can't I keep friends?!?!

It's all because we are heading into another level with God, on this level there will be people who have been blessed to be a blessing through encouraging words, finances, prophetic utterances etc.  He had placed persons in our lives who were supposed to be a blessing to us and they tightened their fists instead.  These people He had to remove, because He intends to replace them. (When I look at it that way, it calms me.)

When my husband and I first started out, we didn't have the easiest life, but it was so much more bearable - we could have actually understood ourselves...LOL.  Now, we don't understand how we yield so easily to God's will when life's storms ravage us...I can not explain this peace as we 'look up to see the bottom'.  I can not explain this happiness, or the joy I feel in being alone and not feeling lonely.  I thought that I would have been depressed now, but in actuality the burden of depression has been lifted off of me.

Through this process, my foundation keeps me grounded.  I'm more than willing to endure the fire because I know that I will come out as pure gold.  I don't mind the storms of life because I love the rain, and I know that at the end of it everything that doesn't belong will be wiped away and the air smells so much fresher.  The solidarity in our marriage has strengthened, and I am finding an individuality in my purpose.  I'm finding a strength in my praise, and my worship is flowing deeper.

Every single situation that we have been through brings me closer to my God and King and I would go through it all again...I would do it all again if I had to because at the end of the day I realize that I'm becoming a better me :-) These tears and scars are worth it.

Hands up in praise, heart full of worship,
 xoxo Jenna